I have a question to ask you today that I want you to really think on; What do you want? It could feel like something so minute, so small, so insignificant but it never truly is. If you want something that brings you joy, makes you happy, isn’t from ill intentions or hidden agendas you should ask for or pursue it. If its something you have to ask yourself to do, you should, if its something you need to get, you should.
God has been teaching me and showing me a few things recently. One is to sit still, another is to believe in myself and be confident, a third is to stop putting myself last and a reoccurring theme is the question; What do you want?
I like to write, with the help of the Holy Spirit it flows naturally. However, I have recently noticed that I put the things I like aside and give more energy to things I don’t particularly enjoy. Lets take work for example, I don’t particularly enjoy it but for some reason I am wired to show up as best as I can, give my 100 at all times, run myself to the ground, come home tired, and repeat that cycle all the while pushing away the things I enjoy that will bring some relief.
I am learning that there are things that will drain you and so its important to balance that out with things that pour into you. I know now the things that pour into me but knowing and putting them into practice are two different things.
I really do put myself last. I am not sure when it started or for how long but I finally see it now and I guess that’s the first step to changing my habits. I like things to happen quickly which they never quite do and then I get frustrated because I feel like I followed this rule or did that or cut out this or prayed a lot more but learning that’s not how it works. Its about listening, paying attention, knowing what will help and what won’t, knowing who you are; your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, loving yourself completely and then taking the steps to care for you.
So I ask the question again, what do you want? I will tell you some of the things I want. I want to love what I do for a living, to be happy more than I am sad, to have hope and not live in despair, to allow myself to have and want things and stop making unnecessary sacrifices, to speak up and be bold, not bothered by what people think, not worried about what I can’t control but focused on what’s good for me, beneficial, helpful.
I want to be surrounded by love so beautiful that it paints a picture of God’s tremendous love for me. I want to be all that I am called to be and live a life that is fulfilling. I want my dreams to come true but most importantly I want peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding.
For someone who has spent her life worrying about things she can’t control or change, panicking, battling thoughts that bring me down, emotions that I don’t understand, an overwhelming sense of sadness, peace is such a beautiful gift and I thank God that I have that. No matter what it looks like, I need to always remember that the Peace of God is with me, that Jesus is with me and He will calm every storm.
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