One thing I wish I could do is to have a really good cry. The kind of crying where you let everything out. Where all your feelings come pouring out of you, giving room and space for other emotions to take root. Since I lost my mum, I haven’t been able to cry. I have tried to force it out many a time and failed. Finally decided in this moment to let it be. Maybe, just maybe, when I feel safe enough to cry, it will happen.
This doesn’t mean that I am not healing. Day in and day out, I see the change. I smile more, I know my triggers, I am more self aware, I actually want to live life to the fullest. I am more positive, paying attention to my body, learning to put myself first, take care of me, learning to acknowledge my feelings and emotions and not run or suppress them. Learning what love truly is; to give love and also receive love, to give myself grace, be kind to myself.
I have had to fight; fight to be okay and not despair and just maybe in all that fighting, there hasn’t been room to have a good cry. Its so ironic how crying came easily to me during my adolescent years but yet in the present is such a foreign concept. I honestly can’t wait to cry. I should throw a party when I finally do.
This isn't to say I haven’t shed a tear or two. I have felt the need to cry and wanted to cry multiple times, however that feeling lasts for just a few seconds and then is gone. I think my body and mind are trying to protect me, mostly out of fear.
Maybe I have to dig deep to find the root cause or maybe I am looking for a trophy and don’t realize it. "Yippee I cried, so I am healing right?" Who knows, maybe God is waiting till I learn the right way to let me have my good cry.
I am open to learning and becoming the best and healthiest version of me. I have come to learn that I was honestly just a sensitive child. I am still a sensitive person, just more aware. I do still struggle with it at times. Seen myself as weak and needing to toughen up for so long that leaning into my vulnerabilities and personality is taking some time.
Healing truly is such a tumultuous journey but also such a beautiful thing. It is worth it at the end of the day but still a tumultuous journey. Basically a paradox is what it is. I like the analogy that healing is a continuous journey and not something to complete. For someone like me, it gives room to give myself grace, be kind to myself and not beat myself up because who I have been for years and years isn’t completely eradicated in one year.
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